Bear In Mind I (criticism wanted!)

[La Luna Unita]

There's no such thing as eloquence
Just a string of words
That fit together more naturally
That make the brain turn it's little cogs a little faster

There's no such thing as speech
Only noises stopped and glutted
By a flap of muscle
Blocking wind and pipes

There's no such thing as thought
Electric pulses - pseudo information
Run run run as though faster is better
As though more is more is more

t-t-k-k-g-g-t that's all I can think to say
It doesn't mean anything
It doesn't mean I feel
It's nothing you can understand

There is such thing as love
It's a giant spider's web
It's a cocoon, soft and heavy
Pressed against the small of my back, wrapped around my arms

There is such thing as love
It's terrible and strong
It's everywhere at everyonce
We share it; we can't help it.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 06, 2003 06:46 PM: Message edited by: La Luna Unita ]</font>

[crazy a]

Hey...wish I had written something like that before.

Is the first line of the fourth stanza supposed to be read like a stutter? Because when I hear it in my mind, all I can think of is Porky Pig.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 06, 2003 10:03 AM: Message edited by: crazy a ]</font>

[La Luna Unita]

Thanks for mentioning that, Crazy. Channeling Porky Pig was not exactly what I had in mind. [img]wink.gif[/img] I changed it a little - it's a poem that's supposed to be read aloud. That particular bit of nonsense just seemed to be what built out of the second and third stanzas - it's just supposed to be using the tongue, for no reason at all. Does that make sense? I didn't think it was very important before, but perhaps it is more than I thought.

[crazy a]

I understand what you're saying, and maybe it's not that important for the overall thing. But I'd obviously have to hear you read it to fully get it because I have a hard time trying to "think" it.